MARCH 2, 2023
I stutter around the room in my pain. Everything seems a mess and everything I do is shrouded with the sense that I am responsible. Because my “home” is a place built with layers of intimacy, I find it almost impossible to describe to others the depth of damage I am surrounded in. How can I prove what was never theirs to know? What was never theirs to care for or love? The only other person who was privy to it all is now a scary giant marked by risk, danger and pain.
Suddenly the world I had been living in feels different. Maybe it was never what I thought it was. How did this happen? What caused this? If I search for the beauty I once thought was there, I can’t find it. Was I crazy all along? The man I shared my bedroom with as well as my dreams with God, is not who I thought he was. And I am in utter shock!
I try to connect with anyone close to me, if only to feel a sense of my former reality. This ends in despair. Who can come towards me when I am like this and who will be willing to help me figure out how I am going to make it through? Suddenly it feels like there is no one and trust is a luxury I can’t afford.
The years of this encounter with pain and brokenness led me over and over again to a consistent conclusion: The loss in my life was my fault and I had a profound ability to change his behavior. The extent of the pain and damage I had incurred throughout multiple storms had subtly taught me a lie. I bought the lie because I desperately needed to survive. On the surface, I agreed it was false, but internal and external manipulations of this horrible twist of facts branded something upon my heart that would take a work of God to undo. Deep inside, I had assessed that I must work harder to have the life I so desperately wanted and needed.
For me, the acceptance of the lies came through the blame and confusion he would orchestrate in my most tender moments. As I sought truth and transparency, I was led into deception so deep and the room where intimacy was kept was increasingly filled with his anger and neglect. These two things drove deeper the passion and zeal for me to do more and figure out every possible way I could become better to see him change. I needed it all to change!
But was I really the one to blame? Did I really cause this?
When such intimate devastation comes upon our lives, the path forward is tricky. What we do with the pain and loss can be crippling, even in our best intentions. If this is where you are now, then I want to give you the first, and likely most important, report from your damage assessment: the betrayal in your marriage is NOT your fault!
Coming to terms with this set me on a path of healing I overlooked for too long. It was a fork in the road that led me where I am today. The storm you have weathered is not your doing. Over time, you will likely be led to discover a bit more the cause of it all. However, until then, you can choose to make full investment into this one simple fact to lead you forward: YOU did not do this. YOU could not stop it. YOU cannot control it even now.
The journey ahead is uncertain, but this first assessment is not! Now, grab ahold of it for the journey ahead, and let’s keep moving forward together.
What Caused This?
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