JAN 1, 2024
'I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me.' Galatians 2:20, NASB
I stood listening to my husband share. Dialogue regarding the video lesson he had watched turned quickly to a different tone. The topic had been about becoming free of porn addiction and my husband had participated in discussion with other men and one leader. He had enjoyed the connection with other men, but suddenly seemed much less excited about something else. My husband seemed irritated. “I don’t think it is right that he keeps saying that all addicts are liars! He shouldn’t use those words. It is wrong and I don't like it,” (my paraphrase).
Thoughts of this leader ran through my head. Judgment had been made against him and I saw that my husband deemed him guilty. Guilty for what? For making a claim about lying. But it wasn't just that. It was the way he was offended by it. The way he reacted to that specifically.
My face stared back at him blankly. I didn’t say anything. Something inside me sensed something strange. My memory peeked its head slowly, going over the general reality of years of lies within our marriage due to sexual addiction. Something didn't add up, but I didn't know it yet.
Why was I bothered by this? What was really going on?
At this time in my life, more than 8 years had gone by where he was adamantly claiming he was free of all porn, masturbation and fantasy. He would rehearse again and again that God had done a powerful work in his life and just set him free from many years of addiction. I didn't fully know yet that he had been deceiving me with this claim and had still been involved in his addiction for all those years. Hearing him say those things though , to me, meant I couldn't second guess the hand of God! Besides, my husband was regularly pointing out my 'sin' of not trusting him fully and I was, therefore, oh so careful to revere God's powerful role in all that involved lies and addiction.
So, what was I to do with what had just happened? Although I did not have the clarity or awareness at that time to choose from this list, what would have been my options in this situation?
1. Dismiss the situation as nothing and the sense of something off as a lie. Perhaps what I sensing was actually from the enemy, or just from my own fears. My husband was skillfully persuasive over and over again in convincing me that all these thoughts were lies and not truth or from God. The last thing I wanted to do was dishonor God by believing a lie. So, instead, I could just dismiss it and believe my husband's claim at that time that he was not lying or still using porn.
2. Let it go and don't think of it as truth or a lie, but just a random thought that I didn't need to worry about. This might be more plausible IF I hadn't already developed a skill of sensing things and bringing them to the Lord to see if they were true. The topic being this did not give enough reason to let it go. I knew I had sensed something, I just didn't know what or why.
3. Take it as something was up, confront him immediately, and fall apart from his response. Spoiler alert! I did not choose this option! The best part about this option is that I would have taken the sense to the Lord and asked Him questions. That would have been a 'win' because it would have acknowledged Him as being a Truth-Teller. However, I didn't even get this far!
4. Take it as something was up, but then stuff it way down inside hoping it would go away and become false somehow. Yes, this is the choice I made! This is the choice I often made. The problem is simple: it doesn't go away and it doesn't somehow become false. It was regarding my husband's choices, lifestyle and character, not mine. He was actually lying to me, and that was not on me. The fact that it was happening was out of my hands, but was happening all the same, whether I knew about it or not. NNow that I had sensed it, it needed to be acknowledged, but HOW?
5. Take it as truth and ask the Lord to show me what to do with it. Second spoiler: It has taken a long time and a lot of healing for me to realize that this is the response God wanted to lead me in. Especially when the information comes through a relationship with Him, it is best worked out through my relationship with Him and what He shows me to do with it. I needed to ask Him to continue to show more.
I cannot tell you how many times something like this would happen, until eventually I surrendered to the Lord and saw that I can be confident that His life in me has given me what I need. Only by doing so, can I partner with Him and live in resurrected life right there in the midst of some of the most difficult and painful moments I ever could imagine. That is one of the most empowering things to know!
As I shared already, discernment is about knowing you have the ability to make appropriate judgments, choices and decisions. Righteous discernment never involves denial or minimizing a wrong done. If it can be over-looked, then the death and life of Jesus Christ isn't necessary to redeem it. But, knowing what is happening, calling it 'sin' if it is sin, and receiving from the Lord the strategy on how to respond gives us a new lifestyle to experience. It brings us into greater levels of personal wholeness!
If you are reading this and would like to know what it means to live a new life in Christ, please reach out to me! I would love to share with you more. If you are interested in growing in this area, please email me for a free copy of a Scripture prayer you can pray daily.
May you experience more and more wholeness this new year!
Jana
Beginsathome22@gmail.com
#2. Confidence With Self, Part 2
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