'The people were amazed at his teaching, for he taught with real authority - quite unlike the the teachers of religious law.' Mark 1:22 NLT
I remember some things very vividly. There are others that have faded in the trauma. Countless moments of pain met me over the years in ways that forced reality about my marriage upon me – him raging at the dog, yelling at me for wanting to spend time with him in the garage, or consistently promising me wonderful things but then losing his temper when he would forget and he saw my disappointment. I can’t say for sure if some memories are truly forgotten or if they are 'unremembered' on purpose because the shock was too much. I didn't know such pain existed and I never imagined it coming from the man I loved more than any other.
I remember one time when we were sitting in our front living room, attempting to sort through the betrayal and damage caused by a decade of trickery. We were discussing how to move forward and what that would take, when he looked me in the eye and said, “You need to find someone who will correct you.” Stunned and still learning how to respond to his addiction-thinking, I stuffed it inside for another day. But those kinds of eye-opening comments never really go away. They linger as confusing reminders that pretending something is fine when it is not doesn’t make it all okay. This is the man I was married to and that had deceived me about his behavior for more than 20 years! Hard swallow. Speechless.
Fast forward a year. We are sitting in the kitchen, again still processing through the damage of lies and betrayal as we work through a specific incident that was never resolved. He becomes angry about something I say and stands up, looks me in the eye and says, “You are gaslighting me by looking at me that way.” Immediately I knew what was happening. No tucking it away for another day. I discerned it immediately and chose not to permit it to penetrate my heart like before. This is him losing his cool. This is his addiction behavior. This is him projecting. This is him taking a word that I have learned about in recovery and using it against me. Hurtful? Yes. But not my problem. It’s his.
Recovery has been a series of seeing-reality-for-the-first-time-moments. It is a learning process where I discover he can no longer trick me or blame me. It is a journey of discovering I am not crazy, I was just never prepared to experience this kind of belittlement and manipulation in marriage. Once I can see clearly what is and what is not really happening, I can make a choice what to do. When accused of gaslighting that day, I simply stopped the conversation, asked him to get the opinion of his group, and found a quiet place to sit and journal what had just happened. I prayed. I may have cried. But I considered my options with clarity and made my decisions.
When I could make choices with awareness of reality, I had power to choose well. Those choices are not blind shots at a moving target, but calculated decisions that effect change. They don’t force my outcome. But they do create crossroads, which provide decision-making moments, even for others, that can be ready with opportunity!
This is authority, my friends! When you can arrive to a point because you chose it, not because you were manipulated or coerced into it, you begin to exercise your authority. In arriving at that point, you can choose where you will go from there. The circumstances may still be hurtful, like in the situation where my husband told me I was gaslighting him for the look I had on my face (which, by the way, was likely a look that said to him, 'I am not buying your emotional blame game,'). However, his hurtful behavior doesn't render me a powerless victim who can't choose truth. In arriving at that authority, favorable opportunity for change is created and others can freely choose it as well.
'For this reason the Father loves Me, because I lay down my life so that I may take it again. No one has taken it away from Me, but I lay it down on My own initiative. I have authority to lay it down, and I have authority to take it up again. This commandment I received from My Father.'
John 10: 17-18 NASB
I can turn the tide with regard to many things if I understand the authority I have every day.
If you would like to learn more about how to live in personal authority, reach out to me at beginsathome22@gmail.com. I would love to provide encouragement and resources to help you on your own journey!
Warmly,
Jana
MAY 27, 2024
#4: Authority
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