'Therefore I positioned men behind the lower parts of the wall, at the openings; and I set the people according to their families, with their swords, their spears, and their bows.' Nehemiah 4:13 NKJV
In the ten year period when my husband was lying to me about his recovery, I had a vision. So, at the time, I believed my husband was sober when he was not. He had convinced me that the Lord had “done an incredible work” in his heart and had set him free from sex addiction. At this time, I was struggling, especially in our home, with strong gut senses that he was not telling me the truth, as well as with guilt for the fact that I sometimes didn’t believe him. I was even led into spiritual confusion, because the part of me that communed with the Holy Spirit told me he was deceiving me, but the part that longed for deep relationship and love with my husband, told me all was fine. Who was I to believe? And how could I risk losing my marriage? The idea that he might be lying was already something too painful to consider.
For those women who have walked this path, you know the profound emotional and spiritual abuse this is. First, God is being called a liar. (1 John 1:10). Sin is hiding and the only one who has the knowledge and ability to repent and see God’s freedom come, WON'T choose it because of deep sexual sin and shame and fear. So, who does this harm? Hiding sin never just hurts the one hiding the sin. In fact, addiction gives no one a free pass, especially those closest in fellowship to the addict. It is those closest to the addict who often suffer the most.
“If we say that we have fellowship with Him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth; but if we walk in the Light as He Himself is in the Light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus His Son cleanses us from all sin. If we say that we have no sin, we are deceiving ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous, so that He will forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say that we have not sinned, we make Him a liar and His word is not in us.” (1 John 1:6-10, NASB)
Our fellowship, especially in our home, is dependent upon living in the light and forbidding any hidden sin to be present. So, when we reside with those we love the most, it is vital to remember that they are directly affected in fellowship by our ability to live in the light with them.
The vision was simple. My husband stood inside our home when the knock on the door came. He opened the door to what appeared to be a scantily dressed woman with deceit in her face and darkness in her heart. She was seductive. She was persistent. In her hand, she held a sword that she knew how to use. She was the spirit of lust.
As my husband opened the door, the women entered swiftly and saw my husband. She did not hesitate, but turned away from him and went right toward me. Sword drawn, she moved toward me to attack. My eyes shifted to see my husband in eager curiousity. What would he do? Would he fight? Would he cast her out? Would he step in and protect me? Would he give his life for mine?
In the vision I saw my husband’s response so clearly. He opened his mouth and spoke with apathy just one word: “Oops.' My husband watched the woman approach me for the kill. He didn't move an inch. Not a single part of his being was prepared or willing or able to fight. He had been lulled to almost a childish inaction and complacency by his welcoming of the woman, whom I realized he was used to seeing.
After the vision, I wrestled emotionally in our home. I felt more than ever that he was in secret sin, but I also felt berated and bullied by my husband’s common pronouncements that he was 'completely clean' and it was me who was the problem. He often would insist that I needed to forgive him and move on and all this would go away.
But this time, I felt something different. It was my first vision of this sorts and it was bizarre to me. In the vision, my husband was not protecting me against the seductive woman. Why? And why would she bypass him to come for me? After attacking me, would she search out my home for my children? Would she stop after that, or would she keep going until she destroyed my entire home? My entire future family?
I went to my husband and told him about the vision and that I was experiencing spiritual attack. He got irritated with me. I pleaded with him, asking him to please pray for me. I asked him to pray and cover me since he was the head of the home. I even insisted that, since he was truly free of this addiction, then it would be powerful and appropriate for him to minister to me from that place of freedom. He reluctantly agreed.
I remember it all so well. I lay there on the couch. He knelt beside me. And then he prayed. What did he pray? Did he rebuke the seductive spirit that wanted to come against me? Did he express deep love for me and declare to God that my life was precious and our home and children were not to be touched? Did he thank God for his freedom from sexual sin and declare that he would protect me and defend me? What did he do and say in response to the vision and my request?
My husband prayed a brief prayer. He thanked God for the day and acknowledged my fear and the vision that I said I saw...and then he asked God to send someone to correct me! That’s what I remember so clearly to this day. I was so shocked at his choice of prayer. No protection. No words of comfort or love. No truth about my value. Nothing about keeping our children safe or our home safe. Nothing about kicking her out and closing the door on her, never to be opened again. Nothing like that in the prayer. Just that I was afraid and I needed someone to correct me.
This interaction was imprinted in my mind for years. Please note, in no way am I saying that this represents every betrayed woman's experience, or that it means husbands who can’t pray in confidence for their wives must be in secret sin. That would not be truth. But, for me, it was certainly an indication that his hidden sin and lies were impacting his ability to pray in love and authority. Even when I felt weak and longed for his leadership, he couldn't be there for me in faith or in humility.
I share this story here to remind us that our homes are a sacred place to live and fellowship together. Sexual betrayal and lies compromise that sacredness and make our homes less than ordinary places for darkness to reign. This is significant! We can't take this lightly.
If you are the one who has sexually betrayed and lied to your spouse (and family), here are some things to consider:
1. Secret sin and lies steal your ability to protect the ones you love from the consequences and damages of your choices. This is not authority, as it resorts to things you never would have 'chosen' to happen to those in your care.
2. If you are still in deception and sin, repent with a contempt for sin and its hideous consequences. Close every open door, especially to fear and shame. Guard against contempt for those you wounded. It just gives the enemy another entrance into your home.
3. Take the challenge to lead in reconciliation with all you've got! Repairing the damage in relationship requires humility and faith that leads to extraordinary triumph over the enemy (Zeph. 3:12-15).
4. Stand between your bride and the enemy and protect your family, especially in the aftermath of it all. Loving your bride well is loving all your descendants who will follow (see Nehemiah 4:13).
5. Draw your sword and bow to be alert to fight the battle you may have started. Remember, these are spiritual weapons and are used against spiritual forces (Eph 6:12). Read the Word of Life over your betrayed bride, washing her with it daily (Eph 5:26). Encourage her in prayer and ask the Holy Spirit to create a new capacity to be attentive to her heart and emotions.
Will we live casually or selfishly in our homes, or will we stand passionately on behalf of our loved ones and remember to defend them even beforehand with the choices we make? We can decide and that is how we know we have authority to choose to live with our family in the Light together!
If you would like to learn more about how to live in authority in your home, reach out to Jana at beginsathome22@gmail.com. I would love to provide encouragement and resources to help you on your own journey!
Warmly,
Jana
SEPT 15, 2024
#5: Authority In The Home, Part 2
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